How Many Times?

How many times are you going to deny yourself? You're eating too much food. You're drinking too much alcohol. And the worst part is you know better. We've been here time and time again. You know these habits get you sick. But you still choose to repeat them.

Which hole am I trying to fill? After my cousin's graduation yesterday, all I could think about was drinking. Sure, we were planning to celebrate and drink throughout the day anyway, but I took this as an excuse to let my demons loose throughout the day.

I didn't know why I was so anxious and antsy, but I felt like I had to have 10 drinks, even when I knew each drink was sinking me into the abyss. Clearly I was denying my health.

Maybe I felt pressure to show up a certain way. I haven't hung out with my cousin often, and I wanted to make the environment around his day special and fun. But ultimately this was about me. Nowadays I'm responsible for showing up in ways that weren’t expected before. I have a fiancée and I'm around family more than I've ever been. Perhaps the alcohol was a way to take the edge off. But it honestly made it worse.

With each drink my anxiety rose and I became less coherent. Now, the day after, I've been feeling nauseous and bad about myself. My headspace is clouded and my joy has decreased. I feel sad. The alcohol ultimately made me crash.

Two days later and I still hadn’t learned my lesson. I went to a day party with my fiancée. I had fun for sure. But another 10 drinks like the graduation had my vision and memory blurry. I had met some people and had to keep asking them for their names. I even said bye to someone who I thought I met but was seeing for the first time. He even looked confused as I hugged him goodbye. This wasn’t my finest moment. I went to sleep feeling sick and woke up the same way.

My fiancée said the universe will teach you the same lesson until you learn from it.

I've gone through this same cycle many times before and I'm 29. Will this be the last time? How many times?