School Days

I sit at my old high school, pondering my thoughts, and reconnecting with my inner child. High School was a tough time. I was in real search of self. As a matter of fact, I’m unsure if I was even searching for myself. I was just living like a spirit. It often leaves a bad taste in my mouth when I think about this time. I had barely any friends and I was probably deemed socially awkward by most. It would take 10 years after graduation to understand the error of my social ways.

I would have a few cool moments in high school. Being the manager of the basketball team, I got to practice with the players at times. Although this was bittersweet as being an actual player on the team was what I wanted more than anything. But I didn’t make the cut. I don’t remember how exactly I got to being the manager of the team, but I had mixed feelings the whole season. Watching everyone play but me was a bitter pill to swallow.

Validation was received in some of my classes where my teachers would like my ideas. Maybe I impressed my English teacher by how I analyzed a literary piece. Maybe I said something in history class that the teacher hadn’t heard before and loved. These were a few moments where I felt good about myself. Outside of the classroom, I’d feel empty. Academics kept me afloat. But ironically, it was a distraction.

I didn’t feel like I belonged. I would look at other kids and admire their friendship circles. I would even try to get close to them, searching for camaraderie. But we never got further than being cordial. I would also look up to these kids academically and was enamored by their extracurriculars. Once again, they seemed to have community and a good social structure in several areas. I tried to get this through sports and academics, but it never seemed to help. Solitude seemed to be my fate.

Even during graduation, I felt alone. At this moment, high school didn’t feel like a shared experience. I would hear about some people crying after graduation. They were sad about leaving high school. They had memories to cherish. But I couldn’t relate.

On graduation day, I threw my cap up with my Class of 2014. I remember not picking up the cap. This was to show the pain I felt during the 4 years. High School was officially over. I walked away unfulfilled and regretful that I left my cap on the floor. From time to time, I think back on this day. I would’ve done things differently.